Claigh's June Post Register Column

Moms and Dads

With Mother's Day just past, and Father's Day soon upon us, we stop to appreciate the contributions of these two very important people in our lives and in the lives of all children.

Children need commitment. They need a mom and a dad who put them first. Good things happen when parents seek the interest of their children ahead of their own. Fathers and mothers who are committed to one another and to their children have the best potential for rearing happy and successful children.

While involved fathers do exist outside of marriage, the Child Welfare Information Gateway reports such fathers "are more likely . . . to be found in the context of marriage." They also conclude that "the married mother-and-father family is a better environment for raising children than the cohabitating (living together) mother-and-father family."

Fathers and mothers in the context of marriage have the opportunity to allow their complementary and cooperative natures to work together to benefit their children. Dr. David Popenoe's landmark book "Life Without Father" states, "The complementarily of male and female parenting styles is striking and of enormous importance to a child's overall development. What is clear is that children have dual needs that must be met: one for independence and the other for relatedness, one for challenge and the other for support."

Parents' efforts to meet these "dual needs" are manifest from the child's earliest days. Popenoe also calls our attention to the fact that fathers use touch, bouncing and lifting, to excite their child, while mothers use touch to comfort. Fathers emphasize play more than caretaking, and are more likely to be physically stimulating. Mothers' play, provides the child with the opportunity to direct the play, to be in charge, and proceed at the child's pace. As children grow fathers' play involves physical games and teamwork that require the competitive testing of physical and mental skills. The type of touch and play a father provides underscores a child's sense of freedom, while mothers' touch and play underscores safety and security.

Complementary roles are manifest in communication styles as well. Father's conversations with their children tend, Popenoe writes, "to be brief, more directive and more focused on specifics. Mothers are much more likely to share their feelings and to engage in extended conversation; they are less directive and more verbally encouraging. Fathers' conversations more often relate to issues of independence and autonomy, while mothers' conversations emphasize interpersonal relationships."

Children benefit in many ways -- physical, emotional, educational, and financial to name a few -- when raised by their married parents.

· Dr. Patrick Fagan found the safest environment for children is in their 'intact family.' (Intact Family Confers Unrivalled Benefits Upon Children)

· As reported by Dr, Popenoe, interviews involving several hundred children, the first conducted in 1951 with follow-up in 1986, "found that the offspring of warm and affectionate fathers were much more likely . . . [when in their forties] to be happily married and mentally healthy and to report good relationships with friends."

· The Institute for American Values, Center for Marriage and Families reports in "Family Structure and Children's Educational Outcomes," that fourth grade students living with their married parents scored higher on reading comprehension tests when compared to students living in other types of families. (November 2005)

· Dr. Fagan notes that students living with their married parents have higher IQs, and earn higher grades.

· Fagan further informs us that regarding financial stability, only 12% of children in intact married families live in poverty, opposed to 31% of those in divorced families, 39% of those in cohabiting families, and 67% of those in never married families.

One more thing to consider: the quality of interaction between the father and mother has a significant impact on the welfare of their children. From the Child Welfare Information Gateway we understand that "A father who has a good relationship with the mother of their children is more likely to be involved and to spend time with their children and to have children who are psychologically and emotionally healthier. Similarly, a mother who feels affirmed by her children's father and who enjoys the benefits of a happy relationship is more likely to be a better mother. Indeed, the quality of the relationship affects the parenting behavior of both parents. They are more responsive, affectionate, and confident with their infants; more self-controlled in dealing with defiant toddlers; and better confidants for teenagers seeking advice and emotional support."

In an article in the University of Utah's Journal of Law and Family Studies, Dr. A. Dean Byrd concludes, "Regarding gender complementarity and child-rearing, tradition and science agree: mothers and fathers provide optimal development for children." Indeed, children thrive when their parents love one another and provide a healthy, loving and stable home. The contributions of committed mothers and fathers to the well being of their children are invaluable.